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So I got an email this week letting me know about this event at the Hollywood Theatre.

I am so going to this. It's a no-lose, win-win kinda thing. As in I get to go to the Hollywood Theatre, which by itself is a treat. For one thing, I haven't been inside this grand old place in dogs' years. For another, it's Star Trek.

Yes, it's bad Star Trek, howlingly bad Star Trek, don't-let-William-Shatner-write-any-more Star Trek, and-for-GAWDZ-sake-don't-let-him-direct-ever-ever-EVER-again Star Trek.

A standing ovation for this movie is rows of fans rising to their feet and simultaneously slapping their foreheads in dismay. It's fans the world over shoving their collectible Kirks into the back of the closet (carefully, so as not to damage the packaging). It's Sheldon Cooper snorting in delighted derision as he points out that Leonard Nimoy managed to helm two consecutive Star Trek Movies that became audience favorites, while “Captain Kirk” couldn't manage to phaser his way out from under the weight of his tremendous ego in time to hear the smarter people in the room talk him out of this embarrassment. Oh, but silly me, obviously there were no smarter people in the room, except perhaps for those who suddenly remembered they “had a thing” shortly after Shatner started pitching this farce.

                                         "No, really, sounds great, call me later, love ya babe!"

I know I'm going on and on, but listen: even the sound effects for The Final Frontier don't sound like Star Trek. I swear they borrowed some beep-beep noises from Blade Runner. The visual effects had me looking for the wires, they looked so cardboard. This movie is just bad bad BAD.

So this should be great fun. Because bad movies are fun, sometimes just as much fun as good ones. You know it's true. It may be a guilty pleasure, but c'mon, who hasn't snuck peaks at Sharknado or Mansquito when he or she thought they were alone? Bad movies are the funny bone's porn. This is no different. I'm sad that Mystery Science Theater 3000 never got a crack at Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, because that would have been one for the ages, y'all.

So I'm tossing the sofa cushions and ransacking the coat closet for chump change, and I will be at the theatre to see this vainglorious extravaganza. I may have to BMOB'N'P, but I'm going.

See you there.

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